weasleygirl's Journal

Dear Journal,

It's odd being out of the hospital right now. When I went in I was wearing a sweater and it was mild and cool out, and now suddenly it's mid-June and oppressively hot. The sky is grey and golden with summertime storms, and the grass is lush and green. I feel as if time has sped up and dropped me here without warning; I'm still thinking in terms of spring and everyone else is knee deep in summer jobs and such. I missed graduation for two of my friends, and other stuff I had planned to do, which is disappointing to say the least.

I feel really out of place at the moment. I've spoken to a few of my friends, but most of them are very distant and skittish as if they don't know me anymore, or don't want to. We make small talk for a few minutes before making some excuse to hang up the phone. I miss them, but it's easier having no one to explain things to. I get the feeling everyone thinks I am just trying to get attention, which I'm not, but I feel guilty anyway. I've asked my mother just to tell anyone calling I'm not there, but it's weird at home too. Everyone stays away from me but at the same time is very nagging and overbearing, if you can understand that.

My mother is trying to take control of things. She woke me up too early this morning, nagging about my morning medicine and trying to get me to drink juice. I know she thinks she is being helpful but she's just frustrating me and making me angry and resentful feeling. At lunch she was nagging because I ate no breakfast, so I agreed to have a tv dinner and she worried that it wasn't healthy. For dinner I had cereal and dried fruit because nothing else sounded remotely decent, and she tolerated that but nagged about drinking enough water and stuff. Other then that, she's been busy with her own life and home redecorating and whatever, so I was able to sleep a lot today. I've been really tired, but I have started cleaning my room just for something to do. I haven't seen my father or anyone else. In a way I'm glad because I don't want them, but I'm also insulted. I just don't know how to feel right.

One thing I am worried about is my weight. It hasn't been this high in, I don't even know how long. Yesterday when I got home I stepped on the scale and just started crying, and cried for an hour even though I kept telling myself I was being stupid and selfish and should worry about real issues. But still, it's awful. In the hospital I thought I was doing okay as long as I didn't eat everything on my plate, I thought I would be around 120 or something like I was before, but no, 138. 138 with a raging appetite and I feel like I've been taken over by a monster. The doctor said not to worry, that your weight goes up sometimes during treatment but that he expected it to stablize around 130 and that 130 was a good weight for my height, but I am in a panic about it anyway. Especially because I am still feeling really weak and out of sorts and can't exercise much. I just lay around and read but still feel hungry, which is so weak and dumb. My doctor said to give it two weeks and then we would work on a stable, safe eating program, but I keep thinking of 102. I weighed 102 when I went into the hospital, and now this.

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